Reflections and actions
by closet-hopeless-romantic
Summary: Something Pete said to her got her thinking. Addison reflects on things past, and looks tentatively towards the future. Will be Pete/Addison eventually


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So I've only seen a couple of episodes, but i love this pairing already. They are just super cute, and totally hilarious. Tim Daly is just soooo pretty!

**_Anyway, all mistakes are mine, and i'm assuming that since i haven't actually seen the episode the quote somes from, i imagine there will be some!!_**

**_Hope you enjoy. I have a couple more chapters planned out if you want to read them, so let me know!_**

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"_And Addison, I think it's great you try to take care of Naomi. But who takes care of you?"_

That man infuriates me. One comment. One that was both patronizing and sweet at the same time; that was all it took. I just wanted to hit him. Or kiss him, I'm not entirely sure which. It was a simple question, and yet I can't get it out of my head a week later. _Who takes care of you?_ The minute he asked me that, I just wanted to scream at him: _I do. I take care of myself. I'm not some weak-assed woman who can't take care of herself; I'm a board certified neo-natal surgeon, god dammit!_ But I didn't. Because somehow I think that was the answer he expected and I refuse to live up to whatever it is he thinks of me – the quick, arrogant answer from someone who has been judging him from the moment she arrived.

So that's why I'm here: sat on a blanket, with another wrapped round my shoulders, staring out at the Pacific Ocean, a glass of wine in my hand, wondering just one thing: Who _does_ take care of me?

Derek used to. So did Mark. They were two of my closest friends for such a long time. But I destroyed that. No, we all did. We got lazy and now it all lies in tatters. And I miss them. I really do. But half of me accepts that maybe it was inevitable. Not everything that happened; just us growing apart. Back before Derek and I even got together, they were both crazily protective of me; in med school they would sneak into the restaurants and bars I went to on dates and hide at a corner table, just to make sure I was safe. I know they thought that I thought it was the only time they had done it. But I knew. It was sweet really – they just wanted to make sure I was safe. But it irritated me slightly all the same. Then Derek and I got together, but nothing really changed. It was still the three of us; we took care of each other.

Once we got married, we took care of each other more than ever. Until one day it seemed that Derek had stopped caring. I don't think he did, he just forgot to show it; we got successful and we got busier, until we didn't have time to take care of one another. We took care of ourselves and our patients well enough. We were still a close group, but it was different. Life got in the way. But Mark and I effectively destroyed whatever we were, that night in New York. I still care. I can't say the same for the others.

When Derek left, and I stayed with Mark, we tried to get back to a semblance of normality. But the guilt ate us both up inside. I could see it in his eyes, it was killing him as much as it was killing me. So we took care of each other again, but half-heartedly, always avoiding the elephant in the room. I threw myself into my work. Mark threw himself into chasing anything in a skirt, just like he had when I was married to Derek. I know he thought I didn't know. And I know he didn't do it because he didn't love me. It was partly just who Mark is, and the rest was the guilt. So I learnt to take care of myself.

By the time I went to Seattle I had changed. It was silly of me really, to try and repair our marriage. I wasn't that person anymore. I didn't need him to look after me, and he definitely didn't need me. But I thought that maybe we could get back to what we were, before Mark and Meredith, before we lost who we were to each other.

I pause for a moment, glancing back towards Sam's house. The guys are over there, and I think maybe the girls too; I know there were plans to gatecrash the boys' poker night, but I pleaded a headache. I didn't want to see him for the moment. I need to get my thoughts straight; the last thing I need is another Addison Montgomery car crash of a relationship. Oh god, what am I thinking?! A relationship!? We've kissed twice. He's arrogant, and annoying, and as far as I can tell, a bit of a manwhore. I seem to attract them!

I take a sip of my wine, my eyes still on the illuminated windows of the house next door to mine and momentarily wish I hadn't been such a grouch. Introspection is not something I enjoy particularly, and I should be making more of an effort to get to know my co-workers. But I couldn't get his question out of my head. What did he mean by it?

But anyway, where was I. Ahh yes, Seattle. Well wasn't that one of the craziest decisions of my life. Upping and leaving for L.A seems almost reasonable in comparison. Derek had found someone else to look after. And I was still alone. I was used to it by then. The image of Addison the kick arse surgeon who never has a moment of weakness, professionally at least, was firmly in place. It was kind of empowering. But it also totally sucked. The magazines never tell you that part. They are all for empowered women, confident in their own skin, not needing a man to take care of them, happy with who they are, and I was all that. But I was still lonely. There's no two ways about it. I watched my friends and colleagues coupling up, being happy, and I couldn't stop the ache in my heart. The night Callie told me she had married George, I went home and cried. Not because I was jealous, or thought they were making a mistake, but more because it hit home just how alone I was. I woke up the next morning in Mark's bed.

Then there was Alex. I'm not really sure what that was. We were both pretty lonely. And he really was a nice guy when you got to know him. He cared, I think, despite his protestations. But things would never have worked out between us, even if he had wanted them to.

And now I'm here, and I still don't know the answer. Ok, that's not true, I do know, but I don't like it particularly: I look out for myself. And some of the time I'm happier that way. But it's the little things I miss: holding hands as you walk down the street, knowing that person will do whatever they can to help you, someone to snuggle up to in bed, to send silly text messages to. I don't know whether Pete could be that person for me. I don't even know if I want him to be: he's a quack! An infuriating, arrogant, far too charming for his own good, quack! But there's something about him: what he told me this afternoon about his wife, I didn't know what to say. I think there's more to him than meets the eye. What he asked me last week, it felt almost like he cared, or could care. He's a complete puzzle.

Over the last couple of years I have built up some pretty tough walls around my heart. Alex may have cracked them slightly, but I think Pete may have knocked them down with one question.

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Thanks for reading, if you got this far!! All reviews, good or bad, are appreciated.


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